What Are the Signs of Emotional Abuse?
The Pervasiveness of Emotional Abuse
Remember that nursery rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” Yeah well, that’s bullshit. Words hurt. They hurt so much that the Journal of Child and Adolescent Trauma released a study in 2020, which concluded that those who recounted emotional abuse in childhood had higher scores for depression, anxiety, stress, and neuroticism compared to those who reported only physical, only sexual, or combined physical and sexual abuse. That’s a significant conclusion.
So, what really is emotional abuse? The American Professional Society on the Abuse of Children defines it as a repeated occurrence in which the caregiver uses their words to convey to a child that they are worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or only valuable if they meet another person’s needs. Even though this definition relates to childhood, we all know that emotional abuse does not solely occur in caregiver-child relationships or during early developmental years. That definition can be broadened to affect any type of relationship, romantic or platonic, and can occur at any age. Not only does emotional abuse cause low self-esteem, but it also wreaks havoc on the nervous system. It wears down tissue in the brain, specifically the prefrontal cortex and temporal lobe, which affects self-awareness and emotion regulation (Dye, 2019).
Emotional abuse may be the most insidious form of abuse because those words, whether they be aggressively yelled, manipulative, demeaning, cruel, controlling, invalidating, or threatening, leave silent traces of transgression that can chip away at our sense of self, becoming internalized and affecting us in unhealthy ways. It has been reported that 50-80% of adults have experienced emotional abuse at some point during their lifetimes (Karakurt and Silver, 2013). It can be hard to recognize the signs of emotional abuse due to its sometimes subtle but harmful nature. Dedicated work with a therapist can unravel the ties that emotional abuse has had on your life, whether that be related to self-worth and confidence or your ability to trust others. You deserve the space to unpack this specific type of trauma and its downstream effects.
Healthy Communication Techniques
One of the many failings of our society is that we are not taught how to communicate in a healthy way with others. Therefore, it takes some time to unlearn maladaptive patterns of communication that might have strong handed our conversations at some point during our lives. Fortunately, healthy communication can take quite diverse forms. Be warned though that healthy forms of communication might sound easy to learn, but in practice, it takes a lot of effort. Ask me how many times I have been told not to interrupt my family and friends while they’re talking. I’m kidding, don’t ask me. So, I understand firsthand how hard it is to unlearn these behaviors; have patience and compassion with yourself.
The Imago Dialogue
A favorite method that I like to employ in therapy with individuals as well as couples and families is called the Imago Dialogue. The Imago Dialogue breaks down into two parts: the Sender and the Receiver. The Sender is the person who needs to get something off their chest. The Receiver is the one who will be receiving the information in the form of listening, digesting, rephrasing, and eventually responding to all that was said. My absolute favorite part of the Imago Dialogue is the first step, which encourages the Sender to schedule a time to have this difficult conversation. This step is crucial, because if you catch someone off guard or in a foul mood, no matter how thoughtfully and carefully you present your piece, you can throw you productive conversation in the garbage, because it’ll be trash. Both parties need to be aware and prepared for the conversation at hand; no surprise attacks allowed. Remember, this is non-violent! The next steps in the Imago Dialogue encourage the Sender to respectfully share what they have to say, pause so the Receiver can mirror what was said, accept or correct what was previously mirrored, and then keep sending until everything has been said. The Receiver can offer a summary of everything mentioned, validate, ask for more information, and empathize with what the Sender might be feeling. The Sender then thanks the Receiver for listening, and then the roles switch so the other person has a chance to speak.
Use “I” Statements
There are a few additional pointers that I empower people to utilize in assertive, safe communication. Use “I” statements, as opposed to “You” accusations. For instance, saying “I feel angry when…” instead of “You made me angry because…” This removes the blame and subsequent defensiveness by encouraging a dialogue grounded in mutual respect, connection, and curiosity. You are not claiming that your experience of the situation is the truth. Here’s a fill in the blank template in case you like things to be laid out explicitly like me:
I feel ____________ (use an actual feeling word, e.g., hurt, angry, upset, disappointed, rejected) when you ____________ (give the other person an example of specific actions or behaviors that have affected you), because it seems like ____________ (tell the person what the behavior meant to you, how you perceived it. Is it possible you misunderstood?). If next time ____________ (list specific action/behavior you would like to see in the future).
Accountability
Now if you’d like to level up your communication game and make your therapist proud, I invite you to think about how your own fingerprints taint the situation. It takes two to tango, so how are you a part of the problem? This is always the most challenging part for me, so I understand if this feels icky at first. It gets easier with time, in my experience. Taking ownership of your part in the problem helps with removing the innate defensiveness in conflict and promotes growth and mutual accountability.
Now, remember what I said earlier, communication is hard work. It takes practice. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you mess it up a few or a hundred times! If you make a concerted effort to work on your communication skills, I have confidence you’ll get there. Strengthening relationships and improving communication are also especially great goals to target in therapy. Furthermore, if you have experienced emotional abuse in any form, reprocessing that trauma can be especially useful using techniques from EMDR and Somatic Experiencing. If you’re interested in learning more, you can contact me here.
Citations:
Dye HL. Is Emotional Abuse As Harmful as Physical and/or Sexual Abuse? J Child Adolesc Trauma. 2019 Dec 10;13(4):399-407. doi: 10.1007/s40653-019-00292-y. PMID: 33269040; PMCID: PMC7683637.
Karakurt G, Silver KE. Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: the role of gender and age. Violence Vict. 2013;28(5):804-21. doi: 10.1891/0886-6708.vv-d-12-00041. PMID: 24364124; PMCID: PMC3876290.
